#7: Haircut. It doesn’t matter if you’re bald. You’ve got some hair on you somewhere.
#6: Refuse to wear shoes and shy away from clothing when at all possible. Everyone does it at at Weight Watchers weigh-ins. They swear it takes off 5 lbs immediately, and you’ll get used to the nudity eventually.
#5: Get a job in NYC working as a criminally underpaid editorial assistant living in Manhattan in a shoebox walk-up apartment on the sixth floor of an crumbling yet overpriced Lower East Side former tenement building. Up and down you go, dearie. No elevators in this hipster squalor, no sir! That would be so . . . inauthentic.
#4: Amputation. The human head weighs 8 lbs, or at least that large-craniumed Jerry MacGuire kid’s head did.
#3: Tuberculosis, aka “consumption.” The only thing being consumed will be your body—from within as it’s ravaged by a glorious wasting disease. Hurrah!
#2: Pay a $8,000 dollars or so to be starved for a month at an adult fat “retreat” alongside the likes of Russian mobsters’ daughters and rich divorcees as well as an obese Native American chieftain who just happens to part-own all the Hard Rock Hotels in Florida. Go home with a calorie deficit AND a budget deficit!
#1: Call your local meth dealer and arrange for a rendezvous. A few grams should keep you speedy and svelte . . . until the inevitable comedown, at which point you will have bigger fish to fry. Like pawning your grandpa’s antique rifle to get some more crank.