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Top 7 Ways to Lose Weight

#7: Haircut. It doesn’t matter if you’re bald. You’ve got some hair on you somewhere.

#6: Refuse to wear shoes and shy away from clothing when at all possible. Everyone does it at at Weight Watchers weigh-ins. They swear it takes off 5 lbs immediately, and you’ll get used to the nudity eventually.

#5: Get a job in NYC working as a criminally underpaid editorial assistant living in Manhattan in a shoebox walk-up apartment on the sixth floor of an crumbling yet overpriced Lower East Side former tenement building. Up and down you go, dearie. No elevators in this hipster squalor, no sir! That would be so . . . inauthentic.

#4: Amputation. The human head weighs 8 lbs, or at least that large-craniumed Jerry MacGuire kid’s head did.

#3: Tuberculosis, aka “consumption.” The only thing being consumed will be your body—from within as it’s ravaged by a glorious wasting disease. Hurrah!

#2: Pay a $8,000 dollars or so to be starved for a month at an adult fat “retreat” alongside the likes of Russian mobsters’ daughters and rich divorcees as well as an obese Native American chieftain who just happens to part-own all the Hard Rock Hotels in Florida. Go home with a calorie deficit AND a budget deficit!

#1: Call your local meth dealer and arrange for a rendezvous. A few grams should keep you speedy and svelte . . . until the inevitable comedown, at which point you will have bigger fish to fry. Like pawning your grandpa’s antique rifle to get some more crank.


7 Responses

  1. Hi! I couldn’t figure out how to email you back w/ the answer to your question on my page, so I’m leaving it here. I am 5’6. Feel free to email me at jemmert2001@yahoo.com

    Stay motivated…and when you don’t want to, kick yourself in the butt and keep going! You are awesome Liz!


  2. Hi Jen! Thanks for the response and the encouragement :). I’ll definitely be keeping up with things on your blog.

  3. Oh, this made for the perfect non-caloric happy hour at the end of a rainy, bleary day! Thanks! :)

  4. Very helpful. I think I’ll try the meth thing.

    P.S. Nice to see senses of humour on the blogosphere.

  5. Heh, I’m glad you guys enjoyed it. I was feeling kind of perverse yesterday and had to vent!

  6. LOL…I’ll have to try the TB idea…nothing like having my body ravaged by an illness :)

  7. Great tips! I never thought of a hair cut, but then again, that sure can make you look different especially if it has been awhile since you visited a salon or barber. Very creative, keep it up!

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