When the Moon Hits Your Eye

Riding the bus home from work in the already-dark yesterday evening, I felt extremely dejected. I feel much better now, but at the moment I was in the emotion, I felt like crap. I was staring out the bus window thinking morbid thoughts when a glimpse of the moon appeared between buildings and treetops.

It was huge, and round, and bright.

It reminded me of pizza.

I was very hungry, and not in a good frame of mind. I decided that when I got home, I would order a medium cheese pizza, eat it all myself, and then hate myself a lot. I had a plan. I take comfort in plans, even when they are counterproductive and willfully self-destructive.

I got home and went to the pizza place’s website—no human interaction required!—and paused slightly. What would John eat when he got home, if I only ordered pizza for myself? I didn’t want to share my medium cheese pizza with him. I want to do this thing proper and I was NOT GOING TO SHARE. But then I considered our finances and realized it was stupid to get us each a separate pizza, so I compromised and ordered a large pizza, half plain and half with his favorite toppings on it. It was still not the healthiest choice I could have made last night, but it was an improvement. I even calculated that I could eat all four of my slices and still be within my weekly bonus Points allowance.

Quoi? But if that happened, would I still have license to wallow in self-loathing afterward? Oh, probably not. Dammit. But it was too late. I had already made the less-dysfunctional choice.

Which worked out well, because soon after the pizza arrived, I had a great phone call and felt lots better about myself and life in general. I didn’t want to spend the evening hating on myself. I ate three slices of pizza, marked it in my food journal, and was at peace with the choice I had made. How strange for me.


6 Responses

  1. (Thanks for your post yesterday, your kind words)

    Looks like you and I struggle with a few similarities.
    Pizza, love of pizza, feeling like crap thinking about eating a whole pizza, self-loathing, not wanting to share food.

    I wonder what came over you…what did the food thing stem from? Loneliness? That’s one of my main pushers…I’m lonely, inject food.
    Good you got the phone call. I wonder what might have happened otherwise?

  2. You’re more than welcome, POD. As for the food thing, I’m pretty sure it was two things: 1. I was in a weakened state in that I was already very hungry 2. I was feeling sad and anxious. Thank goodness things turned around and the evening ended being just fine :).

  3. I remember when I was studying in France, and ate at the hospital cafeteria, pushing some liver dish around the plate, dreaming of the pizza I could eat back home in the USA!

  4. I’m going to give you some real advice, OK? Learn to make your own healthier version of a pizza. No it’s not store bought, but it will get you past those times when you are weak. Occasionally get the store bought. Over time, you will enjoy and be satisfied by what you make. Trust me, you need to diminish your dependence on fat, sugar and salt or you will not pull this weight loss thing off, nor sustain it. Very few people are successful at weight loss and there are reasons for it, that if you do not deal with, you will not make it either. That’s the way it is. I’m sorry. I will not tell you this again.

  5. Hmmm, must be something in the air. I had a hankering for pizza last night, too. I went to a by-the-slice place and had a single with a ginormous side salad. Like you, I felt okay with the choice.

    Sometimes giving in is a short-term setback, but a longer-term victory. The fact that you stopped to consider the implications spells more success for the future.

  6. I appreciate you weighing in, Dr. J—in fact, I think I’m going to write a post about your advice :).

    Cammy: I think it was the recent full moon that got everyone craving pizza!

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